I don't know exactly why but for the past few months, one recurrent thought has been on my mind. It is something I had never thought of before, until one late October night talk with my friends (and new shrinks, lol) Angela and Harmonie. And what I've been thinking about is what Dirk Gently would call "The fundamental interconnectedness of all things", or in my own words: How everything that has happened in our lives and in our world to this moment, is the reason we are who we are today, or even the reason that we are, quite simply.
You know, things happen to us. And in the moment that they do, we're not able to fully appreciate them, because we don't fully understand them. They become (in our eyes) our moments of failure, our deepest regrets, the things we wish we could change if given the chance. And we also feel like this about things that don't directly happen to us but end up affecting our lives. Sometimes we wonder why they happen, sometimes we get angry at the universe. And those of us who believe in God increasingly feel that maybe He's not as powerful as He is said to be, or maybe He's just a sadistic Being who enjoys watching our blunders and our suffering without so much as lifting the little finger.
I was one of those people for quite a long time (I'm still learning how not to be anymore but I'll get to that in a while). But lately I've forced myself to look back on my life and a new truth has dawned on me: that the best version of myself right now and the best things I've gotten out of life were all a product of every single moment and event that has taken place since times I cannot even begin to fathom. I realize this is extremely cliché and not exactly a new discovery, but it is both new and very true for me.
For example, I've realized that despite having grown up without knowing a significant number of relatives from both my immediate and extended family who lost their lives during the genocide, I wouldn't exist in the first place were it not for that dark chapter in my country's history. My dad was born in exile. For more than 20 years he lived without a country to call his own, and that void in his heart led to him entering the RPA, becoming an officer, and finding himself in Rwanda by the early 90s. My mother's troubled schooling as a result of discrimination led her to study nursing. Somehow by April 1994 she was in Kigali, and as the genocide raged on, God led her to find refuge in the Parliament Building (CND) where she used her skills to care for wounded soldiers and survivors. That is how she met my father, fell in love, and they got married at the end of the genocide. And even though he died in a car crash only a few months after their marriage, on Christmas Eve 1994, I was already on the way. I would be born six months later.
See my point? I was deeply-albeit indirectly-affected by the genocide. Hardly a day passes that I don't think about all those relatives whom I'll never know, who will never be there to share my successes and comfort me in my moments of failure and disappointment. I often find myself thinking about all those shattered ambitions, hopes, and dreams. But I also realize that I am alive and here because of that. I could cry about growing up fatherless (and believe me, it's frustrating) but I know this has made me appreciate the full extent of my mother's strength, resilience and incredible love for me; and I love her more and more with each passing day.
There is more. My best and biggest 2016 moments are the two and a half months I just spent touring the USA as part of iDebate Rwanda. I had a one of a kind experience seeing new places, meeting people from all walks of life (the whole diversity spectrum), challenging them and being challenged in return on a constant basis, seeing firsthand lives being changed by our message, crying and laughing so much it was exhausting, and KAYAKING yaaay 🙌!! These are memories I'm not likely to forget anytime soon, but you know what? They are the products of a colossal mistake I made five years ago; a mistake that I considered my biggest regret for a long time.
Back in 2011, I was preparing to enter high school. I had just finished Junior High at one of the best schools in the country (GSO Butare) and had been admitted to yet another school among the best (Lycée de Kigali) for a History-Economics-Geography combination. I chose instead to stay at GSO Butare and do sciences (Physics-Chemistry-Biology). My mother strongly advised me against that decision but I was stubborn as a donkey. But by the end of the year, having struggled to stay above the 50% mark in physics and with a fail mention in chemistry, I realized too late that sciences weren't meant for me, and that I should change the combination. The next year I tried to enroll at the school I had refused and they returned the favor. I ended up going to APE Rugunga, a school with a not-so-rosy reputation. I also had to retake the year because I would be studying in a new combination.
I was ashamed, feeling like a disappointment, and extremely angry at myself. But let me tell you what happened: I flourished at that school. I became Editor-in-chief of the school magazine and held leadership positions in various student organizations. But most importantly it was there that I met Jean-Michel Habineza, a man who has become the single most influential figure in my life, and the best freaking mentor anyone could ask for. He introduced me to debate, an activity that made me discover my passion for words and made me understand their power. I quickly fell in love with it. He saw potential in me and challenged me to see it too, entrusted me with projects and pushed me to heights I had never even thought I could reach. He believed in me in moments when I didn't believe in myself, and he still does, even when I give him every reason not to. And thanks to him I went from debating to judging, to coaching, to coordinating the Kigali Debate League, to moderating panel discussions with some of the most influential people in Rwanda, to touring the US and debating some of the best teams there, to having rooms full of undergraduate and graduate students at some of the best universities there listen to what I had to say, when I myself had barely finished my first year in college. ALL THAT from a five-year-old mistake!
I look back at all of this, and so, so much more, and I realize that God is faithful. His Word reads in Romans 8:28 " And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." I'm not sure I fit the description when I read " them that love God". I surely don't act like I do most of the time. But he has made it so that every happy moment and every sad one, every triumph and every failure, every tear of joy and every tear of sadness, every bit and aspect of my existence has woven itself into a labyrinth that has taken me to the place I'm in right now. And even though I know I still have a long way to go, I sure am proud of this place.
So yeah, I am learning to be thankful. And if you're reading this, I challenge you to look back on your own journey, think about every significant moment you can remember, every memory good or bad. Try and reflect on how each of those moments has shaped who you are today. And if you like what you see, be thankful too. And if you don't believe in a Higher Power, it's okay. Just try and learn to better appreciate life; and when those gloomy or troubled moments arrive, be patient and eagerly wait for that blessing that comes afterwards.